I always come to this place to spill my thoughts. No one may read it but it feels good to get it off my chest.
I find myself in the most incredible place in my life while equally being in one of the most difficult mentally. Not that it’s unmanageable nor is there a cloud hanging over my head. Nothing like that. It is that place in my life where I choose to create my own untraveled path to create my happy existence on this planet. Sometimes taking the road less traveled ends up with a staggering feeling similar to loneliness, only, I am not lonely. My heart is full of love and support of those people whom I hold dear, which there are very few, as my full heart is guarded more and more these days. Choosing this lifestyle of creating something that is mine, something that can continue to flourish for years to come and create stability for myself and the hypothetical family I may have one day. Not only does it come from my desire to be financially stable, it burns from my desire to experience the world as fully as I possibly can. I come from a family where traveling and vacations were not a thing. We did not have those kind of memories. I yearn for that. I crave a life where I can explore the world as God created it in all of its majesty. I want to be submersed with new culture and adventures, constantly. I want the book I’m writing to have depth behind it.. not just coming from someone who has experienced more heartbreak than one should by 28 years old.
Oh heartbreak.. why must you be so cruel and ever lingering? I could write and write and write about this subject.. but why give it continuous life? All I will say is, I am careful when choosing my relationships and if something does not work out after giving it a chance, I decide for myself to let something go that is not right for me… & by let something go I mean indulge in a weekend of Sex and the City marathons, eat Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream and pizza in bed while crying at nodding in agreement with everything Carrie Bradshaw is saying about men and their ways. But not this one… it’s been 9 years since we met and I’m still as crazy about him as I was the moment we met. Timing has never been in our favor, but as the years go on, neither of us has fully moved on and conversations have taken place between us as recent as today… but now, geography isn’t in our favor and I am terrified that time is going to continue to get away from us if something drastic doesn’t happen.. but what? This is not some fucking romance novel where he’s going to magically appear at my door stop with flowers in his hand in the rain while I dramatically fling the door open and jump into his arms & we live happily ever after. WRONG. It is real life and I ca not imagine feeling so intensely for someone for 9 years to only have it constantly be on my mind and nothing ever coming of it. I can not imagine that he not my guy.. I can just feel it in my bones. I do not want to fall in love with the wrong person and end up like my parents. That hurts too much. Despite the fact that I have not a single functioning relationship model in my family, I still believe in that all consuming love that two people can have for one another. I still believe that two people can fall in love, build a life founded on the word of God, have a family, create happy memories together, support each other, lift each other up, respect one another, remain faithful to one another and spend forever in love. That is what I want. So what if it’s him? What if it’s not? Craving something so delightfully magnificent, wanting to experience that kind of unconditional love so bad that it shatters my soul a bit every time I think of it. It is a beautiful heartbreak… you know?
So I refer back to my original thought of creating my own path. They say it is lonely when you are at the top and while I am not at the top, I surely am in a different bracket than the rest of them. I stand tall and proud in every decision that I have made to get me here. While I am remaining slightly vague with all of the aforementioned, just remember this; While I have been busy working in diligent silence, something beautifully me has been created. No public announcements need to be made, just know you will be seeing be soon. You meaning all of you who chose to leave me and not love & support me unconditionally. All of you who I supported and was there for and the second you had a chance to tear me down, give your two cents, and passive aggressively insult me. You did not break me then and you will not break me now. While some of the wounds are still wide open, the pain only fuels my fire so thank you all for being part of come up.
Your fuel has been greatly appreciated.
Love hard. Be kind. Chase your dreams relentlessly. Make shit happen. Be true to you.